are you still at the devil's house?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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