I need to stop coming to work sober
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
