nut hugger
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you had me at cake vodka
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
