I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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