tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
