Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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