Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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