I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you never un-have a 4some
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
