cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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