We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
