I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
