Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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