Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
