Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
