he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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