i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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