just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
