i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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