You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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