Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
