I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
