Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
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And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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