Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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