Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
