Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
