i need an iv and a liver transplant
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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