There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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