I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
