New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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