i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
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A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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