we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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