I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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