I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
