I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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