Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
