True but thats because hes a fetus.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
