Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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