I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
