id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
