So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
