oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
