I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is Oprah even human
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
