if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
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Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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