this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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