my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
NoShamevember. You game?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
