There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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