It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
