K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
