dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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