for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize