Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
