I heard we made out
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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