I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
