Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Randomize
